I never thought the update on my stutter would be a bad one. I thought I’d be writing how amazing i’ve overcome it, and found my self confidence again, but I’d be lying. The last few months have been hard, and I thought I’d do an update on my speech and admit that sometimes things aren’t ok.
I wrote a blog post and filmed a video all about my stutter which you can find here and here. I’ve always had it, but over the last 4-6 months it’s been at it’s all time worst. I’m scared to speak to people, all the things I want to say I can’t, and you can’t even imagine how frustrating and embarrassing it is for me. It’s like someone has hijacked my brain and stole my speech and froze my brain so I can’t say certain words.
However, the last month my anxiety and speech has been at my worst since I’ve just got a new job. A job were I need to speak in front of strangers. My worst nightmare. Now, I knew when I applied it would be like that, and I took it for that reason. I need to challenge myself and get out this rut I’m in. However, standing in a room full of strangers it’s a complete different story. It’s not just the anxiety, but the fear I’ll mess up and people will leave whispering, laughing and commenting on why I have that job. Silly I know.
So, I have admitted defeat and asked for professional help. I shouldn’t feel like I have given up, but it feels like I have. I hate speaking about my speech impediment as its like calling out the elephant in the room. My stutter isn’t like most, it’s more physiological and that I need to train myself out of the bad habit I have. I can speak for minutes without messing up, then as soon as I want to say certain words it’s like my brain takes those words away from me and I can’t say them anymore. I try and almost work out different words to say instead, but most the time fail. Writing this is even upsetting me. As how can anyone understand what that feels like, unless they deal with it themselves.
While trying to overcome this bad spell I’m having I’ve been looking up what to do. Reading aloud, reading just in general and the one thing I’ve not tried yet is rapping a long to songs. Ed Sheeran overcome a stutter by rapping to Eminem and it’s my only final option to train myself to say words all at once. At this point now I’ll try anything. I now can’t be myself, and show people that I can have a personality as when I try and even crack a joke it takes me a lot longer than most people, and then by the time I try, the moment has passed. It honestly feels like I’ve won the lottery when I can have a conversation with someone and not mess up. The sense of achievement is crazy, only for just saying a few sentences.
Well I’m now just sitting back waiting for that hospital letter to appear through my door. I feel like anyone with a stutter should speak up. I don’t know anyone personally who’s had one, and if I do, they haven’t said. I was hoping by now I’d grow out of it, but as frustrating as it is, I haven’t. Speak up about your issues, and don’t be ashamed. Even if it can be hard at times.